(1865) 文書 to my friend, Ralph

Ralph,

    The number of men I´ve seen fall in battle is a number too high to count to. I am home now. I am finally with my children, my parents, and my loving wife. I survived, yes, yet I am not happy. I feel as if I am living in a house unfamiliar to me. I have seen too much. Learned too much. Know too much...
The screams of dying soldiers have been engraved into my mind and no matter what, all I see is death and bullets.

       I´ve been awfully nervous lately. The slightest pop or rattle has put me in shock and made my veins freeze and skin pale. I don´t even want to be around my children anymore. My family must think I am mad for doing such things. I write to you because I am afraid I cannot tell anyone else. My father is too proud, having a retired war Major for a son. My mother is getting old and could never understand my pain. I do not want to worry Milly with my sickness. For once, I just want peace and to leave this Earth, knowing I did something for my country. I recently fought at the battle at Saylor´s Creek, though it wasn´t very eventful. We have already lost the war and many of us were too tired and weak to fight. From what I heard, over 1/3 of us surrendered including me. General Lee was a little shocked by this news. All I am glad of is that Lincoln has forgiven us. Although I disagree with him about slavery, I am too exhausted to argue. So tired... So very tired......

      I hope to see you again soon to discuss things. I just want to feel at home again. Whether it be on a little plantation in Virginia, or behind the pearly gates in the stars.

                                 Regards,

                                  Major George Otott